Ball Tampering

The Experts Speak

I have consulted friends at the highest levels of cricket and am now able to advise the public of the situation. The picture shows some of us on our way to issuing the following joint statement:

"The suggestion (devoid of any evidence of ball-tampering other than the tampered-with appearance of the ball) that the ball had been tampered with is outrageous. As readers of cricketing autobiographies by such figures as the former captains of the England and Pakistan teams will know, we have stopped doing that now. And when we did do it it was OK really as lots of other people were doing it as well, honest.

"And just in case anyone thinks that the above affirmation undermines our honour in any way, please note that when we did use to tamper with the ball it was not dishonourable, but that suggesting that we still do it is grossly to impugn our present honour. Not that we were dishonourable in any way in the past, though. Or now.

"We are pleased to have had the opportunity to clarify any confusion surrounding the recent misunderstandings.

"With regard to the unfortunate matter of the suggested pay-off to the senior umpire in question, we would only comment that there were of course two umpires on the pitch (not to mention the third upstairs and the Match Referee), and therefore any sums of reward should be equally distributed, especially as it was Umpire Doctrove who removed the first pair of bails, wasn't it? And even if he didn't, we believe that he deserves to be paid off just as much."

So there we go. Susi and I have framed our unused tickets for the final day of the historic match, and will soon be inviting offers on ebay for this priceless item of memorabilia.

Owzat!